When you need to be recognised

It’s common to talk to friends, acquaintances, relatives, or patients who are “hunting” for recognition.

This question strikes a chord with me today…

The need to feel good, competent and capable of doing what we were trained to do isn’t a “crime,” of course… but we must seek this recognition so that it can truly contribute to our fulfillment, otherwise we can suffer greatly.

How often do we hear stories of choices, sacrifices, even gifts made that didn’t receive any response? What are we to make of all this?

Is it toxic to have such expectations?

My personal experience

About ten years ago, after more than ten years in the private sector, I decided to try to work at the public health sector because it was an experience I had never had before and I thought it would be interesting to try.

I took part in a competitive selection process and made it onto the shortlist. When I looked at the marks I had been awarded, I realised that some of my qualifications had not been taken into account, so I decided to lodge an appeal.

Following the appeal, my score was recalculated and my position was changed: I moved up the ranking list and this ‘promotion’ enabled me, some time later, to be appointed to a public service post as an executive psychologist.

An excellent result

So far, everything has gone just as I’d hoped. At first, it seemed like a brilliant outcome: exactly what I’d been missing.

The managerial role had struck me as a significant milestone, one I was still finding hard to come to terms with.

It was almost too good to be true, especially as there hadn’t been any job opportunities in the public sector for us psychology graduates for years.

A little while passes and …

Then, as the weeks and months went by, it didn’t take me long to realise that not only was I unhappy with what I had worked so hard to achieve, but, worse still, I was deeply dissatisfied with the work I was doing and the toxic dynamics that had long since taken root within the team. And, of course, those who had joined last, like me, bore the brunt of the consequences.

The healthcare machine had moved on and had ‘found’ me. There was no recognition in this. It needed a stopper for a sieve. Not much else. A series of coincidences that had fallen into place.

What use was that managerial title to me if I was terribly unhappy and deeply regretted that move from the private to the public sector?
The employment relationship as an ‘employee’, moreover, really wasn’t for me…

The most pressing issue

Last but not least: there was an even more painful aspect that really gnawed at me, namely that it was I myself, through my own actions, who had inflicted that suffering upon myself – suffering that had become a daily nightmare.

Unfortunately for me, the contract I had signed did not allow me to return ‘freely to my former freedom’, and so I kicked myself for having put my signature on that document a few months earlier.

Agony

A year of agony.

A cramped environment, a gloomy room where it was impossible to ‘welcome’ patients.

At the end of the twelve months, I toasted with immense happiness and returned joyfully to that job which, until a year earlier, had seemed rather uninspiring to me. After that ‘gruelling’ year, my old profession was more than desirable.

How was it that I had got to where I wanted to be and yet wasn’t as happy as I’d expected?

Reflections and suffering

After a period of struggle, and discussions with friends, colleagues and my psychotherapist, I came to a bitter conclusion: what I had been seeking through my ‘dreams of glory’ – entering the competition, appealing the decision (yes, even that!) and securing a post in the health service – was simply unthinkable to pursue in that place, in that way.

What I had been chasing for a few years was recognition of my worth, of the path I had taken, of the educational goals achieved through years of university study, internships, participation in workshops, conferences, study days, postgraduate training, the state exam, and so many sacrifices of time and money… yet this recognition had to come from others.

That is why that status did not make me happy.

Furthermore, I didn’t have a clear idea of what working in the civil service entailed (never again!) nor what it meant to be dependent on superiors, organisations, procedures, bureaucracy, …

Great Expectations

I expected that being included on a list of ‘suitable candidates’, being hired by the health service, all these ‘official’, public accolades, these ‘badges’ on my uniform, would restore a sense of genuine fulfilment.

The point, however, was that that recognition had to come from elsewhere: not from so far away, but from within me, from myself.

It was I who had to congratulate myself on all the progress I’d made and not expect any of that from that achievement.

It would all have been simpler and more satisfying if only I’d stopped to consider myself and my worth.

Any experience can be useful

There’s a charming saying that goes, “everything counts”, and I carry that lesson with me today; it taught me far more than I could ever have imagined and, not least, it allowed me to meet some wonderful people whom I still enjoy spending time with.

I have also been able to deepen my theoretical knowledge in ways I hadn’t had the chance to do before. And I have really put myself out there, challenging many fears and venturing into unfamiliar territory.

Sometimes, when we are blinded by our own needs, the craving for what we don’t have drives us round the world when, in fact, what we really needed was right there, just a stone’s throw away.

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My current fee for an individual session is €80 (to which a €2 stamp duty must be added, so the final cost of the session is €82); a couples’ session, on the other hand, costs €102.